I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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