Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
