i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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