NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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