What a fucking waste of an outfit
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
