I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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