Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
