I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
