Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
