I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
