so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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