my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
