Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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