The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
