saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
