I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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