Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
