I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
