If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have fence marks all over my body
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
