Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
