My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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