I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs