Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
