Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
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