just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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