you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
