Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
