When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize