I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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