It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
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Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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