Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
