He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Rumble strips road head = magical
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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