Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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