You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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