i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found puke in my bra..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
