and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
