Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
