you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
