I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
