I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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