I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
