please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk is a universal language darling
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
