She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
