if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
