I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
