i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
