Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
