she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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