Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
