she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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