my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
