Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
