If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
