If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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